a little lost.

Before me and him its was just me trying to figure it all out and now he is gone I realise I never did. I got distracted by a wonderful adventure and have been lost in the magic of it all. But now I’m temporally walking a path alone and I haven’t got a clue where I’m going. Im lost. Ive been lost. But you see it wasn’t an issue before because I wasn’t lost alone. And it shouldn’t matter. But for some reason it does. I want so badly to be THAT girl, you know the strong one. The independent one. The one who knows what she wants and goes for it and don’t need no one! And I feel like I’m THAT girl 50% of the time and the other… I am just so damn lost. I get so torn between living passionately and living responsibly. Can the two co exist? In my world I am found stuck in between them constantly. Playfully entertaining the idea of a life lead by passion while living my days (most of them) playing into the bullshit society we live in. And I take it back I’m not walking alone I know I always have his support but sometimes no matter how many amazing people you have in your life you can still feel all alone. You know ultimately you are the one who has to make the big choices in your life and that shit is scary as hell. I write about fear a lot, the ‘what ifs’ and I try my hardest to ignore them… but what if!? I mean seriously what if I make the wrong fcking choice? My career, my lifestyle, my life in general, to follow my heart or to follow my head? Its a constant internal battle and its fuelled by fear. So what do I do about it? Well if I’m being honest ill go to sleep tonight and wake up to work yet another passionless shift miles from the people I love. Ill breathe through my anxiety and try not to think about all decisions I need to make. Ill chip away at my debt thats nearly gone (thank fck) and ill hopefully come up with an idea of what the hell I want to do with my life! Why? Because I’m not as brave as I want to be, not yet anyway. But who knows maybe one day while I sit here waiting for the answers to come to me, I might find my courage to just say fck you to all my fears and give in to my wildest dreams…
My life is a wonderful mess and the people who love me accept me and all my lostness. I think they’re all a little lost too, aren’t we all? Maybe we all just need a little push, to be more brave and wild. Or maybe we all need to grow a pair and just.Jump.

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